Filled with love for mankind

I am just universally irritated today. How did this happen? I woke up in a good mood, some stuff happened at home, and now I am pissed off.

It’s the influence of the Y chromosome, is what it is. There is a home-improvement project happening at home, and that has created this fog of bad mood, as regrettable as a fart in church.

So I buckled myself into my escape pod and shot out into the world, but it’s hardly better out here. Case in point: my café experience this morning.

Standing in line for coffee, these two guys were talking about one of their girlfriends, who really likes her boyfriend’s toaster but refused it when he offered to give it to her for her birthday.

“She said, ‘I don’t want it as a birthday present,’” the wronged party said.

“So she can’t buy one, and you can’t buy one for her as a present,” his friend said, deeply sympathetic.

“Right. The only way she can have the toaster is if she deprives me of a toaster.”

They laughed; it was all very manly. Women! So difficult. So tricky. I hope that for his birthday, she gives him her dad's used nostril-hair trimmer. He could use one, and look at that! She has one right there.

“You know,” her boyfriend continued, “every time I’m over there I bemoan the fact that there is no toaster.”

“So you’re exacerbating things.”

I found myself wanting to punch them, but they did get credit for their good vocabulary. See? Generous.

“The thing is, I really like bagels,” the boyfriend said.

And that was when I got my coffee and whipped around, splashing their crotches with piping hot Yerba Buena blend.

At least, I wish I had. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE TOASTER, YOU NITWIT.

And now I will continue spreading goodwill throughout the land.