Thursday, September 11, 2008

The sun will shine again

12 weeks ago I started that damn program. I've lost close to 20 pounds and found that I have a real intolerance for chatting with personal trainers at 7 a.m., no matter how nice the PT is, and that I also have a real stubborn streak about answering personal questions from nutrionists.

I can't say I would do it again, though. Despite the program's promises (reduce your stress! be happier!), I've spent the last 12 weeks hovering between anxiety and melancholy. The anxiety's from not drinking the program Kool-Aid. The melancholy, I have no idea about, other than the fact that PT sessions are just plain tedious.

It's something, though, to be told repeatedly that exercise will make you happy, and instead to just feel leaden inside. My writing shows it. Do you see any sunshine in these posts, this summer? I am hard pressed to find any. If there is a black hole in this world, its name is depression, and I am standing too close to it for comfort.

I have to keep reminding myself that I signed up for this program, knowing that I would have to open my life up to scrutiny from nutritionists, doctors, my PT, and the guy who does the blood work. I knew that going in, but I didn't realize how much I would dislike it, struggle against it. I don't like opening up my life for strangers, and I really don't like them asking me questions about why I eat the things I do, or what affect work stress has on me, or anything about my personal life, really.

In light of that, it seems so strange that I have a blog, doesn't it? And yet you guys only get about 3% of the straight dope. Not even that, these days. I should never have moved from an anonymous blog to this one; now too many people I know from real life read this. It makes it hard to let loose. Again: my own damn fault.

But back to the program. Initially, I intended to keep this shit up straight through December, but my tolerance for morning conversation is far too weak for that, and so we're coming down to the last few weeks. I could not be happier. I want control of my life back.

I have lost close to 20 pounds, which is delightful; I've also regained my cardiac endurance, which lets me do things like survive spinning classes and go for a run around the lake. I've gotten used to eating less, and to eating very healthy foods, and my body feels better for it. So all that is good.

But man, on mornings when I'm going to PT and the alarm goes off at 6, my mood takes a nose-dive. Mornings when I get up at 5:45 for spinning class, though, I'm just fine. When I realized that, I realized I needed to cut this program short and get back to living my life.